Emotionally Over Prepared

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When Haven was 4, I started thinking about her kindergarten experience. Not what kind of school she should go to, although I was certainly researching the options. It was more akin to sifting through every possible grief and loss that I might experience in sending (or not sending) my first to school.

…the loss of her physical presence with me, near me at all times.

…her exposure to unfriendly children or teachers.

…the hustle and bustle of parenting kids in school.

…the pressure to make friends with other parents. (Tell-tale giveaway – I am way introverted.)

Anyway, I cried and fretted and looked at her longingly for many hours, and prayed for approx. 2 years. Then the day came. She went off to school and I shed NOT ONE TEAR. I was “emotionally over prepared.”

That little story may help put into context what I am currently over preparing for. There are many things currently on my plate –

The kids going to high school, driving, becoming prodigals or missionaries and/or both, the kids moving away from me, the kids choosing spouses…and on and on and on. I think of these things while I drive, watch TV, listen to music. Think is the wrong word. I test myself with every possibility.

What would it feel like if….

And what if “it” went the entire other direction…

And what about if “this” got in the mix…

The other day I posted a little blurb about our middle son Tim on Facebook – about his love of toast. That was only part of what I was thinking about. Under that toast story was my realization that Tim expresses so much of his thoughts, feelings, and emotions non verbally.

He shows anger and frustration in his face and body language and uses very few words. He expresses love and care through service and consideration not “love yas” like the girls do. I know what he is interested in by how and what he plays with. I know who and what he’s thinking about when we pray.

How will I know how he feels and what he is thinking when he isn’t living with me?

This hit me like a ton of bricks.

Will he send me cards? Will he text me? Will we Skype? Will I lose this bond I have with him completely, partially, seasonally, permanently, healthfully, horribly?

It’s a good thing I have some time. I think 7 years should give me nearly enough time to ready myself for moving him to college. I will need every single minute.

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