When Ben and I got married, I was a pretty sneaky girl. We wrote our own vows, so instead of promising to love and submit to him, I promised to pray that I could love and submit. I didn’t really mean to leave the door open like that, but it’s been a joke between the two of us ever since.
And, it probably was a bit of a Freudian slip. I mean, I’ve got a pretty wide independent streak when it comes to some things. I can be really hard nosed and obstinate and yes, rebellious. I was saying, in my own sweet way, “Hey man. When push comes to shove, I’ll pray about it, but you know. I’ll probably go my own way.”
Ben is such a wise and gifted man, so usually I’m up for whatever he has planned – plus I hate planning and making decisions, so we are a pretty sweet team. Except for this one little, teensy weensy, hugely important area – leading me spiritually.
It’s not that I don’t respect his relationship with the Lord and the way he goes about growing in that relationship – I do. But, for so long I’ve just thought of my own relationship with God as a totally different animal. Besides, the relationship is MINE and I don’t want him butting into it! (Um, see the obstatant part coming out?)
Well, I’m changing my tune a little. Each and every fall I experience a bit of a tanking with the Lord. Something about the overwhelming nature of the fall in our line of work sends me running. We need God to provide so much – students, plans, wisdom, resources, gifts we don’t possess, energy to run hard… I just freeze.
I can not face it. I can not pray. This is where submitting to the spiritual leadership of my hubby is such a good thing. He has dragged me out of bed many, many, a morning to make me pray with him. Sometimes I sit there with a scowl on my face for a long while, before my heart is soft enough to pray. I don’t know why I rebell so much. Pride probably.
We are coming up on our 10 year anniversary. I’m thinking of rewriting my vows to better reflect my posture towards him leading me. We’ll see. I’m so used to joking about that back door, it would be hard to let go of! Pray for my wicked soul!!!