Boy I do. The death of Michael Jackson has me seriously blue today.
Sorry the blog has been basically non-existent. Not being at home, it’s hard to find a moment where retreating to a room alone to blog doesn’t feel like laziness, or trying to avoid the family, you know?
Anyway, I said I would post about what God did for ME at Spring Hill!!
After stitches, and stomach flu, and moving were all out of our system, we were nearly overrun by “First week of any program- Itis” where everyone works really hard and totally neglects themselves. We survived, and Ben and I got to jet out of town for the weekend for the wedding of our dear friends back in Madison.
It was at the wedding that I got the first clue that God was doing something good in my heart. As I circulated among the crowd, catching up with friends, almost everyone I talked to was in some sort of major transition. They were all very eager to hear how we had been weathering our personal transition story, and I found I had a lot to say.
The themes are nothing new to you who follow this blog…letting go of the American dream, surrendering to God’s will, not allowing circumstances to determine what you believe about God or God’s will for you, finding your passions surfacing in the midst of chaos, letting God give you the strength to persevere a whole lot longer than you believed was possible, and so on.
I walked away with an amazing sense of having been through possibly the best year of my life. WHAT? Yes. The way these nuggets of truth have burrowed themselves into my soul, (in somewhat painful ways admittedly) is precious to me.
We rushed back to the program after the wedding to finish out our last few weeks there. I had a sense that the wedding had been a sort of bookend. I’m not done learning those lessons of course, but perhaps a new element was about to enter the picture. I had the opportunity to hear Vic Black share on Ephesians 3. The last part of his message, where he shared about verses 20 -21 was especially dear to me.
20Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
As I listened, I realized that I had totally stopped asking God for anything – and imagining was long, long, gone. I was totally and completely resigned, surrendered, at peace, with whatever the future held.
Now, this was a good place to finally find myself after this past year. There was no rebellion or bitterness in my heart over the house not selling. There was no anxiety over what hanging on to our house for the next while or long while might bring. There was no desire to retreat from the call to NIU.
Alongside this peace though, was a bit of numbness. I was probably a bit more than resigned. After praying for one thing for so long (that the house would sell, sell, sell, sell) it seemed a bit futile to continue. So I stopped praying about the house, and about any other version of our future, pretty much all together.
All at once, I had a desire to pray again, to hope again, to imagine again. What could this next year look like? What could God do with us? What could “home” look like on the farm? What in the world is my contribution on campus going to include?
So, in the midst of asking God for new hopes and dreams, I’m resigned to the truth of God’s ability to do more than I ask or imagine. I’m resigned to the fact that God’s “more” may mean more struggling. I’m still resigned, but in a new, healthier way.
There it is, in a nutshell. Thanks for caring about the inner workings of my heart. Anyone have a good God story to share in the comment section? I’d love to hear how God is working among you – friends!