Arguing with myself

Bless his wonderful soul, my husband thinks I can do no wrong. Whatever the truth may be, he always thinks I’m beautiful, funny, wise, and even thin!! He tells me so constantly. I know, I know – I’m very grateful for it. And I have certainly missed the constant stream of compliments since he’s been away, but I think their absence has revealed something in me that I needed to see.

I’ve noticed that my “bad self talk” (is this too much psycho-babble for you?) has really increased in his absence. Instead of being broken up by 5 or 6 pep talks a day, I’ve been letting them play on – and on – and on – and on.

Need an example? How about yesterday morning?

Walk up.

Realize I had a dream where someone was telling Ben how insecure I am.

Mmm? Do I come off as insecure I wonder. Probably. I mean, I’m always saying the most awkward things. I totally need to lay off all the metaphors when I’m talking to people. They don’t make sense anyway. Ben is such a dope to think I have any sort of wisdom what so ever. How much longer before he realizes what an idiot I am and regrets all the times he’s taken my advice on something.

Roll out of bed. Look in mirror.

Geez. What is happening here? Is that another wretched wrinkle? I’m crazy thinking Dove is going to cut it. I need to get much more serious about taking care of myself or I’m going to look 100 years old tomorrow. Oh no. The hair. Whatever.

Break to help L3 go pee pee.

Walk into kitchen. Make coffee.

Coffee. I am so addicted. I have such an addictive personality. I totally get it from Dad, along with my terrible anger problem. I thought I’d be much farther along in working through that by now. Come to think of it I thought I’d be much more mature in just about every area by now. I am totally not living up to my potential.

Answer quick question about lunches. Help someone pick out clothes.

And on and on and on it goes.

Yesterday at Bible study, we were exhorted to argue with ourselves when our heart condemn us like mine has been doing.

From I John 3…

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

God knows everything. The good and the bad, and he still sent Jesus to die for my sin. He knows my pitiful attempts at loving. He knows my shy attempts at sharing with our neighbors. He knows when I’ve been victorious and when I’ve failed. He still loves me. His assessment and evaluation of my worth and value, and His expectations on my life, are the only ones that matter. I need to argue against the thoughts that deny this truth – the thoughts that set them self against God.

Ah, the blessings of having grown up with attorneys all my life. I know how to argue. No problem. I get this. Watch out! I’m putting on the boxing gloves today sisters!

3 thoughts on “Arguing with myself

  1. Khrista says:

    This post was of great encouragement to me Jess. I too go through my day putting myself down… a lot of times at the end of the day I am so grouchy because of it! So dissapointed in myself and all the I (did not ) accomplish.
    And I hear ya on the coffee! Another addict here…I really am trying to cut back!

  2. ness says:

    SERIOUSLY. We’re like twins separated at birth.

    The crazy thing is that we would never hold somebody else to the standard we hold ourselves to. Why do you think that is?

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