Keepin’ it real

Ben’s only been gone 48 hours and I’m already a mess. Not in the usual sense. The kids and I are fine. We’ve been eating. H6 got to school and back. We are all showered and smell nice. But, my heart’s a mess.

We have official begun Plan B. This is the plan where I become the hero of my testimony. This is the season where I’m supposed to learn all the lessons that will make me godly and wise and sought after. At the very least I’m supposed to draw near to God and allow Him to carry me through a very different season.

I’m very afraid I’m going to fail at this. My worst fear is that this will be nothing but hard and that when we are all finally together in Dekalb, we’ll be working on all the stuff that got strange between us while we lived Plan B.

And that, my friends, is the real me. Totally pessimistic, fearful, and melodramatic. If, by God’s great grace, there is some wonderful story at the end of all this, it will not be because of me in any way, shape, or form.

Wait a minute. Maybe that’s the whole point.

3 thoughts on “Keepin’ it real

  1. HOORAY FOR YOU, JESS!

    You are inhabiting your “I am here” red dot. It’s so tempting to teletransport yourself to anywhere but here, but then you never actually move anywhere….

    I read a powerful book called the Papa Prayer once upon a pessimistic, fearful and melodramatic part of my life. I believe Larry Crabb wrote it.

    shoot…maybe I should read it again.

    HUG.

    gosh, I like you.

  2. SA Megan says:

    I love you! For a laugh… there is an episode of The Muppet Show (I believe the guest was Milton Berle–don’t ask me how I know this!), where Fozzie comes to Kermit and says he is going to group therapy to learn to be more agressive. By the end of the show, he says he has found his true self–“He’s shallow, insecure, and needs to buy friends with laughter”. Way to be honest, Jess and Fozzie (although I must say it sure sounded like you were talking about me with that pessimistic, fearful, melodramatic stuff…).
    Hang in there. We’re praying for you guys.

  3. As a military wife of a man who has been to Iraq three times, I feel ya! It’ll be fine. The process isn’t always fun, but we’ve (so far) always come out a bit stronger on the other side.

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