Well… no one came to the open house.
It was a very low day. I cried a couple of hundred times over the miserable 4 hours we had the “Open House” sign in the yard. Then we took the sign down and I cried another couple of hundred times.
Then I played the blame game… “This is all Ben’s fault. He picked out this loser of a house. He’s the one that decided to become Handy Mandy and fix up the entire thing so that it’s the nicest house on the street and the most expensive, which is SO WRONG when you are trying to sell.”
Then I started practicing Hinduism… “This is bad Karma. I must not have done enough while we’ve been here in Madison. Or I must have done something really bad that I don’t know about and God is punishing me.”
Then I started the Doom and Gloom game… “What if we never sell this house, and we never move to Dekalb, and then we go into recession so bad we can barely afford the house because everyone stops giving to us because they are all losing thier jobs, and, and, and, and…
Then I did the Roll over and Die thing… “I’m just a loser and that’s that. Can’t help it. Just going to let the grass grow high, the dishes pile up, the kids turn black with dirt, and if someone wants to see the house, they can just come and try and find us buried in our own misery in here…”
Then Ben decided I needed to run 3.125 miles to prepare for my first 5K this Saturday. It was not a pretty site getting me out the door. I finally did leave the house, but my secret plan was that I was going to run to the end of the block, turn around and come home in tears, blaming Ben for his terrible timing, lack of compassion, and all around stupidity. (I guess I was still in the blame game mode a bit.)
Off I went. Sting was screaming in my ears. My mouth was set in a hard line of rage. My mind was filled with thoughts of failure and fear. And then, by God’s grace, His truth began to fill my mind.
You don’t get to decide this about yourself. I made you. I decide what you are and what you are capable of. You were made to go further than this. I made you to run this distance and even farther. You can do this. Let’s go farther. Come on, I’ll help you…
I knew He wasn’t talking about the running, although the symbolism was not lost on me. 3.125 miles later I returned home encouraged, stretched, and hopeful. No promises from God about when or if the house will sell. Just the truth about who He is and who I am.
Naturally fearful and doubt filled – but not by God’s design. It’s my fallen state. It is redeemable and transformable. He can make me more than this. I can run this 5K, but more than that, I can allow this season to deepen my faith.