I find after I have a chance to lead worship at church there are many thoughts swirling in my mind. Maybe it’s the sliver of time away from home doing something totally unrelated to my primary role of wife and mother. Maybe it’s because it’s kind of dipping back into an old life. Maybe it’s because music makes certain parts of me come alive that nothing else can. I don’t know.
Anyway, my thoughts this morning are about authenticity. I admit that I don’t feel 100% genuine and authentic when I’m leading worship. It’s part of my Swedish heritage I think. My voice teacher used to call me his stoic Swede, meaning that despite all that was going on under the surface, not much would bubble over. That’s how I feel when I’m up on stage.
Maybe it’s a confidence issue partly, but mostly I just desire NOT to be distracting that I find myself being a little too calculating about things. I think a lot about if adding harmony in certain places would help or hinder a person singing the song. I try hard not to look like I’m in pain when I’m singing, which is an unfortunate natural tendency when someone closes their eyes and tries to sing earnestly. All the variables that make participating in worship hard for me in the audience are things I’m working on shaping as a leader.
I hope I’ll grow in this area. I appreciate a well thought out worship set as well as a natural and easy lead into the time. I hate feeling manipulated, forced, or dragged by the music. Maybe this makes no sense to anyone besides myself. See -that’s what a few hours back on the music scene gets me. A whole lot of nonsense.
All in all though, it was another wonderful afternoon. I had a total blast and feel very refreshed going into this week.
