Confessions…

I hate to tell you all this, because you will officially stop feeling sorry for my little homeless self, and probably stop praying for us entirely, but I just have to spill the beans.

I haven’t cooked a meal for my family since early May.

We enjoyed some pretty darn good camp food through early June – hot breakfasts, seven lunch meat choices, and lovely dessert options each and every night!!! Then we began our month of traveling, enduring the hardship of visiting our dearest friends all over the country who for some reason love us and desire to support our work. And they all have felt led by God to feed us great meals, shower us with encouragement, and let us sleep in some of the most comfortable beds I’ve ever encountered. 

They have pulled out tubs of toys for our kids, let them love on all thier beautiful doggies and kitty cats, told us how wonderful they are (which can be hard to remember when you’ve spent 71.5 hours in the car with them), and totally understood when it’s taken me nearly an hour to put them to bed in very soft (but different and a little scary) beds.

All that to say – this summer, I’m living my nightmare and it’s turning out much differently than I expected. When Ben and I realized last spring that we’d need to put all our things in storage and spend the summer drifting from home to home, it sounded like torture.

I’m an introvert. I’m a very bad sleeper. I feared dragging the kids along to visit people, and locking up their toys for over 2 months. What will we eat? Where will we stay? What will we say to all these people who have supported us all these years? What do we have to show for ourselves after this last year at NIU? Will it be enough?

(Does this give you some clue into my crazy head or what??)

You know what? This has been one of the best summers we can remember. It’s been a very humbling and beautiful thing to realize the depth of caring and love our friends have for us. They have literally carried us through what could have been a very trying couple of months.

As we enter into this final stretch (homecoming is August 1st!!!), let me say thank you to all of you who are standing with our little family. We treasure the fellowship and support you have all demonstrated.

I sure hope I remember how to cook and clean when we get back… Tee Hee!

Giggles

A friend of mine, who we are visiting later this week in Pennsylvania, is graciously trying to arrange for me to do some recording with someone she knows. Ben suggested I record all the songs I’ve sung over the years at various weddings. A kind of “Always a Bridesmaid, never the Bride” type album.

I think I could create a very nice retro sleeve with me in various bridesmaid dresses and wedding attire spanning from the early 90’s to today. Order yours here for only $19.95 plus shipping and handling. Ha Ha!

The Shack and stuff…

I know The Shack is old news, but I finally got around to reading it. I picked it up with a bit of fear and trembling. I thought about hanging a clove a garlic around my neck too just in case!

You know what? I didn’t like it all that much. It didn’t mess with me. It didn’t blow the top off my theological framework. I was a little disappointed. I thought a few characters were really well developed and others  – not so much. The car crash element was totally unnecessary and detracted from the story – so much so, it almost made me chuck the book and not finish the last couple of pages.

I felt a little disappointed in the “God” of The Shack. I was attracted to the personal interaction with God part, but a little underwhelmed. I think God is so, so, so, (so times 1 million here) much more than what I found in the pages of The Shack.

I hope people are encouraged to journey towards the Lord by reading the book, anticipating a rich relationship with the God of the universe. But I think most people will start searching for unique experiences that explain away the struggle and pain of life instead.

I mean, it’s hard enough to remain committed to having the Bible mean something to your mind, heart, and soul. I think most people will find themselves leaving the Bible on the shelf and waiting around by the mailbox all day for their own personal letter from “Papa.”

If you like these kind of allegorical books though, I much prefer Hinds Feet in High Places by Hurnard.

And quickly on to the “the stuff” I mentioned in the title. Just to let you know – we are still on the road. We are still on target to move back to IL on August 1st. We still all love each other, and we still all really love people leaving comments on this blog even though we are total blog slackers and don’t deserve it.

Need a pick me up?

Boy I do. The death of Michael Jackson has me seriously blue today.

Sorry the blog has been basically non-existent. Not being at home, it’s hard to find a moment where retreating to a room alone to blog doesn’t feel like laziness, or trying to avoid the family, you know?

Anyway, I said I would post about what God did for ME at Spring Hill!!

After stitches, and stomach flu, and moving were all out of our system, we were nearly overrun by “First week of any program- Itis” where everyone works really hard and totally neglects themselves. We survived, and Ben and I got to jet out of town for the weekend for the wedding of our dear friends back in Madison.

It was at the wedding that I got the first clue that God was doing something good in my heart. As I circulated among the crowd, catching up with friends, almost everyone I talked to was in some sort of major transition. They were all very eager to hear how we had been weathering our personal transition story, and I found I had a lot to say.

The themes are nothing new to you who follow this blog…letting go of the American dream, surrendering to God’s will, not allowing circumstances to determine what you believe about God or God’s will for you, finding your passions surfacing in the midst of chaos, letting God give you the strength to persevere a whole lot longer than you believed was possible, and so on.

I walked away with an amazing sense of having been through possibly the best year of my life. WHAT? Yes. The way these nuggets of truth have burrowed themselves into my soul, (in somewhat painful ways admittedly) is precious to me.

We rushed back to the program after the wedding to finish out our last few weeks there. I had a sense that the wedding had been a sort of bookend. I’m not done learning those lessons of course, but perhaps a new element was about to enter the picture. I had the opportunity to hear Vic Black share on Ephesians 3. The last part of his message, where he shared about verses 20 -21 was especially dear to me.

²⁰Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

As I listened, I realized that I had totally stopped asking God for anything – and imagining was long, long, gone. I was totally and completely resigned, surrendered, at peace, with whatever the future held.

Now, this was a good place to finally find myself after this past year. There was no rebellion or bitterness in my heart over the house not selling. There was no anxiety over what hanging on to our house for the next while or long while might bring. There was no desire to retreat from the call to NIU.

Alongside this peace though, was a bit of numbness. I was probably a bit more than resigned. After praying for one thing for so long (that the house would sell, sell, sell, sell) it seemed a bit futile to continue. So I stopped praying about the house, and about any other version of our future, pretty much all together.

All at once, I had a desire to pray again, to hope again, to imagine again. What could this next year look like? What could God do with us? What could “home” look like on the farm? What in the world is my contribution on campus going to include?

So, in the midst of asking God for new hopes and dreams, I’m resigned to the truth of God’s ability to do more than I ask or imagine. I’m resigned to the fact that God’s “more” may mean more struggling. I’m still resigned, but in a new, healthier way.

There it is, in a nutshell. Thanks for caring about the inner workings of my heart. Anyone have a good God story to share in the comment section? I’d love to hear how God is working among you – friends!

Treasures

I have a feeling I’ll catch the kids talking about our time at Spring Hill camp. It’s seems God had gone before each of them, planting treasures, secrets, and wonders. He had a couple for me too, but I’ll write about those later, (pinky swear…).

We knew camp would have horses, which got Haven through a pretty lonely spring. I can’t tell you how many times I pulled out, “But Haven, you’ll get to see HORSES in just 10 weeks,” – “But Haven, you’ll get to see HORSES in just 9 weeks and 6 days!” You get the picture?

Well, there were 38 horses at Spring Hill to be exact, and by the end Haven knew them all by name. We spent many, many hours each day watching the beauties. That would have been a treasure in and of itself, but God also provided a very special wrangler named Natalie. Natalie remembered well when her own horse addiction began, right around Haven’s age, and she bent over backwards to make our time with the horses educational and fun. She also gave us lots of ideas for getting Haven around horses back at home without having to spend a small fortune.

God also placed a few very special students at Spring Hill who loved on Haven. They played with her, took her on hikes, and let her drag them around while she played, “Wrangler Haven.” One has even called her since we’ve come home.

Tim enjoyed the horses too, but it was the special times fishing with Ben that brought out new things in him. There is something so right about seeing a boy and his dad walking into the woods with fishing poles slung over thier shoulders. The easy conversation, the teachable moments, the quiet unspoken company – they were just what my boy needed after months of being cooped up with Mom at home in a strange town.

The students also included Tim in lots of games of 4 square and frisbee, which Tim loved. They made him feel like a part of the team! I can’t tell you have wonderful it was to watch Tim jump into games and competition with confidence and joy.

Libby loved the horses about 1% less than Haven, so they were a huge blessing for her too, but camp brought out her adventurous side. The camp has a huge obstacle course outside the dining hall with a large rope wall which she scaled on day one.  Most days I could look up from my meal and see her swinging from ropes, and jumping off wooden beams. She has bruises all over her from her exploits!

The Lord provided tad poles, frogs, turtles, slugs, snails, and baby mice for the kids to find and nurture. They spent countless hours making potions and soups in puddles with long sticks. They slept hard every night and ate Lucky Charms in the dining hall every morning.  Above all, I think they began to learn what it is to love the outdoors…to know how to play and enjoy God’s creation.

Thanks for praying for their time. They had a blast!!!

Fasting

Well, we are finished with the program in southern Indiana. God did some good things, Ben did a fantastic job, and we all enjoyed being at Spring Hill Camp a ton. We had a whole lot of fun there.

We are at our home in Madison for a few days getting it ready for a friends who will be moving into it in a week. It’s empty, but it still feels like home.

I’ll post some pictures soon of a few of our adventures, I have a few great God stories, and I’ll make a few confessions, but I just have one quick thing on my heart this morning  – and then I’ve got to whip the garage into shape.

During the program we asked the students to fast from cell phones, internet, computers, I-Pods – basically all forms of technology.  Our family participated too, although we did bust out a movie or two on rainy days for the kids. I admit, I cheated (hence my Blackberry post from the middle of the woods). Cheating aside though, it was a really great break.

I had gotten used to a certain degree of contact with the virtual world. I think it was too much. Going cold turkey (or almost) for an extended period was the most refreshing thing I’ve done in many years.

In application, I’m keeping my blog, and I’m keeping my email, but I’m leaving Facebook, Twitter, and I’ve sliced down the sites I’ll visit to about 4.

I love the internet world, but I probably need to do a better job just lovin’ my very literal neighbor.

Just a thought.

Just to say HI

Thanks for praying for us everyone. We are doing so much better!

Ben and I met at a camp in college, so we are enjoying “camp” life so much. The kids are enjoying horses, snakes, turtles, frogs, lots of wonderful food, students, and a beautiful place to run and play.

I’m enjoying and meeting with the students and staff in such a gorgeous place. There are lakes, swans, sunsets, and tree lined paths.

Ben is doing so well pace setting, leading, speaking, teaching, and meeting with students and staff.

We are well. Praise God and thank YOU!!

Blackberry Post

Hey friends! I’m writing this on Ben’s Blackberry in the middle of the woods!
I’m not a super texter, so I’ll keep it brief…
1. We made it to the camp we will call home for the next month, but it sure has been a rough couple of days
2. T5 smushed his finger and needed 12 stitches… About 10 minutes before we were supposed to pull out of Madison with the moving truck.
3. H6, L3, and I have each had a terrible vomit inducing stomach bug – poor L3 actually had it twice.

We are very worn out, but trying to stay hopeful. Would you please pray for a little respite for us? There is much more I’d love to share, and many people to thank, but you know – the texting thing. I can read comments though, so feel free to leave a little love!

Love,
Me

Bone Tired

These past few days have worn me out. We’ve packed up the rental house and put everything in storage. Now we are back in Madison packing up that house. Tomorrow we’ll load our piano, the monstrosity called “THE DESK” and a few other furniture items into another moving truck and put all that stuff into the storage unit.  Then we’ll begin our adventurous summer of living in cabins and traveling around the country. I won’t sleep in my own bed again until August 1st.

I’m grateful to be working with college students. This is absolutely the life I would choose for myself again and again. I hope the kids will look back on all this and choose it again too.

If anyone has paid a price over these last few months for this life Ben and I have chosen, it’s been them. Many people have reassured me that all the kids need right now is me and the stability of a loving home, and I’m sure that’s true. In retrospect I’m sure that will be how I see it too. But in the middle of it, it’s hard not to feel guilty for these past few months and all the things we’ve not been able to give them.

Their futures have been up in the air for so long now. It was only about a week ago that we figured out where we are going to live in the fall, where they are going to go to school, etc.

Last week was the first Sunday they walked into Sunday school happily and without tears of fear because they didn’t know anyone. Then we drove away for the summer.

So, if you think to pray for us over the summer, would you please pray for them. Pray for them to not feel eyes on them all summer as we live with students, friends, and family. Pray for good sleep in strange places. Pray for unexpected friends and wholesome experiences. Pray for them to feel a sense of mission with us. Pray for us to parent them well in this season – for the wisdom to be extra patient considering the circumstances, and the energy to remain intentional in leading them.

The blog may be a little sparse until we return in August, but please drop by now and then.

Lots of love!

Jess

Giggles…

I HAVE INFLUENCED MY COMMUNITY FOR THE BETTERMENT OF EVERYONE! I AM A HERO!!!

The last time I was in our Salvation Army Thrift Store, I noticed they were really over-over-over stocked with women’s clothes. I’ve been in a whole lot of thrift stores and I’d never seen so much junk, ur, I mean, clothing.

I told the sales people they really needed to add a fitting room so we could all try things on. I know for me, it’s especially important to try used clothing on. Something might be the right color and size, but not the right “shape” because it’s been worn by someone else. I told them women would probably buy more if they could try stuff on first.

Today we went in, and guess what greeted us??? A gigantic plywood box called a fitting room. I almost died laughing. It’s not exactly what I had in mind, but it works.